The world’s first superhero was born on Februrary 2 of April at 3:22 pm. He is the greatest superhero that never was. Because of his incredible ability to change the matter of his body in any way he pleases, he shapeshifted into his full grown body - his own body, the perfect genetic cross of the two gametes that fused at the instant of fertilization, appearing naked and wonderful, handsome and eighteen beside his mother and father, who were lying on the bed sharing an after-sex cigarette. They screamed, and scrambled to cover themselves. His father, James Landride, 32, reached for his clothes while holding a blanket over his hips and put them on underneath. His mother, Susan Landride, 29, looked in awe at the beautiful body of the young man in front of her.
His teeth were gleaming white in his radiant smile. At birth he already possessed all the information on the planet, as it was his home planet – except how to read the minds of other people. “Hello, mother, father,” he said lovingly. “I am your newborn son, the world’s first superhero, and I love you. I have sprung forth from your womb premature of birth. I’m sure that won’t cause you any distress though.” He laughed really loudly. “Oh, excuse me.” He laughed again as a stunning purple suit and cane topped by an amazing purple crystal appeared on his person from thin air. “Now, what will you name me?”
“Who the fuck are you, and what the fuck do you want?” asked his father with hostility. He tossed clothes to Susan.
“Come, now, that’s no way to speak to your son for the first time.”
“I don’t have a goddamned son, now get the goddamn hell outta my house!” His mother looked scared as she got dressed under the cover.
“I’m not lying you know, and you won’t kick out your own son! Look!” His fist burst into purple flame vibrantly dancing in incredible, intelligent patterns. He grinned with such mirth that it seemed to split his face and his eyes too burst into flame. “I am a god!” he cried, and the flame died. His parents, shocked and scared cowered on the bed. They stared at him incredulously, jaws hanging. They couldn’t think of a single thing to say, so they listened as he comforted them and sat on the bed next to them, and performed tricks and hugged them and told them he loved them. He explained to them again how he had shapeshifted out of his mother womb, and how he could shapeshift into anything he wanted. He also gave them two small pieces of his flesh which he had shapeshifted into newest cell phone models. “You can put your own SIM cards in here and you can also call and speak directly to my mind at any time. You can find me under ‘Name me!’ in the phone book, but when you decide what my name is, you can change that.” He grinned sheepishly. “If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know! My powers are many, although soon I must leave to help other people as well, people who are in dire need.”
His parents looked at each other in awe. “What will we name him?” they thought.
“We have given birth to Jesus!” His mother declared, clasping her hands in front of her chest.
His father’s countenance became distraught. “I thought you stopped believing in that shit ages ago.”
“But look, now we have seen, now we have met God – God is here!”
“Sorry, mum. I’m not God, or Jesus. I know, because I don’t know any saints or angels and I don’t have a son, I wasn’t born in Bethlehem – I was born right here in Westmorton, Australia. God is eternal. I am immortal – shapeshifting allows me to control my age, health and size, so I can also materialize money for you like this,” a fat wad of hundreds appeared in each hand and he tossed them to his folks, “but I digress: God is eternal, I’ve been around for about five minutes. Hope you’re not too disappointed.”
Stunned, Susan asked, “Then… God is not real?”
“I don’t know, mum, and I’ll never find out – I can’t die!” He laughed loud and coarse again.
“Well, I always liked the name Cornelius,” said his dad.
“Oh, you’re not actually serious about that, are you? God is far more plausible than that, Jim.”
Jim looked down timidly and quietly replied, “I actually like it.”
The newborn laughed and put a gentle hand on his father’s shoulder. “Dad… Are there any other names you like? One that you and mum both like?”
“I always thought Jane would be nice. I wanted a girl,” his mother said.
The newborn grew a pair of breasts, gave another harsh laugh and made his breasts disappear. “Sorry, but I’m going to stay male.”
Without warning, the newborn’s body became alive in a field of energy, uncannily intangible to the senses but inexplicably perceivable, like great live electricity very nearby. The natural color of his blue eyes intensified incredibly, and looking at the wall said, “You must name me later, parents. I must go. Something terrible is about to happen.” He disappeared. His parents looked at each other and the money in their hands. Their jaws still hung.
In the East of Africa, Colonel Mbele headed a convoy carrying 5000 mercenaries from all over Western and Northern Africa, Eastern Europe and Russia to a city called Stafa. The convoy of people carriers, tanks and heavy weaponry transportation was also carrying 5,000,000 rounds of ammunition, 1500 grenades, 38 anti-aircraft missile, and a bunch of other crap too. But what’s that – ahead of them – what could it be – a burning flame – on the road – waiting. As they approached, a flaming man 100 feet tall roared at them with brutal fury. The convoy turned around and went back to the capital.
The newborn returned to his parents house and they jumped in fright.
“God, I’m going to have to get used to that,” his father said.
“Look what I’ve got for you!” The newborn produced a pair of car keys for each of them.
“Wow! This is great!” they exclaimed.
“I can change my flesh to any shape or form possible,” his finger turned into an apple, “but once I remove it from my body,” he took the apple in his other hand, yet his finger remained where it had been before, “it becomes the object proper, unchangeable. That is how it goes.” He took a bit out of the apple then it vanished.
“You can make us anything?”
“It is in my power, you must make a list of your desires, although I don’t promise to agree to them all. Sorry, I don’t know you very well yet unfortunately, and although I have all knowledge on this planet, the only exception is what is inside another’s mind.”
His parents nodded slowly, the information sank in, then they hastily set to writing a long list of requests, including a flat screen TV, a new house, pocket money (many thousands of it), a border collie puppy, a black cockatoo, a liquor cabinet and bar, a beeday. The newborn sat watching the list grow with interest, wondering secretly when they were going to name him. When it came to paradise island, he refused to create one for them on the grounds that it was too decadent, and he wasn’t doing the mountain lion pen in the backyard either. “It’s a bit dated, premodern, the exotic animals thing, don’t you think?” He took the list and turned it into a paper plane (instantly, mind you) that he threw out the window. “Everything is yours and waiting for you. Now, questions.”
“Should we introduce you to the rest of the family?”asked Susan.
“What? Of course, are you mad? Not letting your own child meet his aunts and uncles, his grandparents, cousins and other familiars? If you don’t introduce me, I’ll bloody well introduce myself!”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” she said
“What about legal stuff, birth certificate, registration, I don’t know anything about that,” said Jim.
“It shouldn’t be required, as every person on Earth will know who I am, and none will be able to control me, any form of identification will not be needed, and I don’t know how long I will stay on Earth for, how long it will take me to clean it up basically, although I shall always come back to see you, dear parents.”
“You’re going to clean up the entire planet?”
“Undoubtedly. The entire universe, rather. I shall cleanse the Earth, then cleanse the universe, and return here to begin the Space Age, from here, Earth, my home, which will be the cultural center for eternity! It will take me a maximum of 2 years before I can begin the Space Age – the first true age of beauty, light and progress.”
His parents gasped, and Susan put her hand over her mouth. “I can’t believe you’re my son. You even look like me.”
“Believe it, mama, the time has come. Nothing will ever be the same again. “
“Good lord!”
“That’s right mother, I am your son, but I am also your lord, as I can see all and shall control all in the oncoming final revolution. Be proud, mother! Now name me! I’m afraid I must go again soon.”
The two parents scratched their heads and looked around the room.
“Gee, put on the spot,” said his father.
“Think about it, I am going to work. I will be back for dinner.” He was gone. His parents’ jaws still hung.
